Ask A Girl
Approaching Girls At Shows



chicks! Who on earth can figure them out? Well, other chicks can. Stylus readers, you now have a portal into their world. Lisa Oliver has kindly volunteered to answer your questions on all things girl. While mostly dealing with music related questions, she isn't afraid to tackle other subjects as well. No problem is too small. And if she doesn't have the answer (or some guy has pissed her off about something) she will consult her cool girl posse for advice. So step up to the plate, gentlemen. Don't fear the girl...ask her instead.


What's the best way to approach a woman at a gig and not look like a total jerk?

As I see it you have two options.

One: Don’t be a jerk in the first place. There’s a fine line between bravado and jerk-off. Most guys cross it with haphazard recklessness. As much as it pains me, there is something attractive about the guy that can just roll up and knock you out with charm. But this is a specialist skill on level with the ability to perform keyhole surgery. So, unless you have a well-rehearsed patter or are stunningly good-looking (in which case there’s nothing to read here, move along) you will come off as a jerk.

Two: Say something to her. Girls, contrary to what most boys think, aren’t telepathic. In my own personal experience, when I am reviewing a show with my notebook out more guys end up talking to me. Now, I look the same when I am a civilian at gigs as to when I am in scoop’s corner (except for my fedora with the press card stuck in it) so the conclusion is that guys talk to me because they have an 'in'; they see my notebook and ask me about who I am writing for and that gives them a comfort zone. So you gotta look for the ‘in’. Yes, small talk blows. We would all love to zoom in with the incredible line that makes the target’s pupils dilate with equal parts lust and wonder. But that never happens. Also if a girl is at a show, you already have something in common. Why not…say…smile at her. If she smiles back, she isn't afraid/repulsed by you. Then, once the band starts, position yourself near her or if she goes to the bar - go as well - even if you don't need a drink. Be cool, but be in her vision. Say hi - how are you? And just start chatting (in a laid-back, friendly way) ask her if she has seen this band before or how she get into the band - let her do the talking and you do the listening. People LOVE to talk about themselves. If she is interested - she’ll take the bait. If she is all cold and jack-assy - be grateful you aren't dating her because frankly she isn't a nice person and doesn’t deserve the loveliness that is you.


If I talk to a music-loving girl like she's "one of the guys," aren't I cutting myself off from any possible romantic involvement?

Tricky. This question is the crux of male/female dynamic – do they fancy me? The majority of girls make the mistake of believing that if a guy talks to them like one of the guys, it means that they don't think of them in a sexual way. Which is insane, since sex is what is primarily occupying boy's thoughts. Most guys think of most women in a sexual way. Which doesn’t mean that you want to date someone just because you find him or her attractive. But if you do want to start some heart action, you need to listen. Gentlemen, you have a window of opportunity. If you treat her like one of the boys for an extended period, she will become of the boys. Not in your mind, but in her’s. She’ll start to believe you don’t like her and will therefore stop thinking of you in a romantic way. But here’s the beauty part! If you are interested in her in a romantic way - this provides you with the perfect non-threatening win/win date situation. Go see a band together or invite her over to listen to records and then you can make a move. It doesn’t have to be a ginormous over the top full blow romantic gesture. Simple, but effective examples: “you look really pretty tonight”, maintain deep eye contact, touch her arm or move that piece of hair away from her face. And for goodness sakes – if you run into your pals at the show – don’t go hang out with them! Say hey and then whisk your honey away for some quality one-on-one time. Because to make your intentions clear, she needs to know you have some intentions.


This girl I like knows way more about music than I do. What can I do?

Get down on your knees and thank whatever monotheist deity you worship because you’ve been tossed a bone, my friend. Gnaw on it with great glee and abandon. And get the fuck over yourself while you’re down there too.


Have a question for a girl? Like the anonymity of the internet? Want to be featured in an upcoming column of Ask A Girl? Perhaps e-mailing Lisa_Oliver@stylusmagazine.com with your own questions is your ticket to fame.


By: Lisa Oliver
Published on: 2003-11-19
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